Grief

So in 2016, my life changed forever. I literally felt like my world was turned upside down. My dad passed away from a heart attack. It was very sudden so it shocked mom and me and of course hurt us a great deal. We didn't handle it very well in the beginning. Today, we are doing much better because we've allowed God to heal us.

I'll admit that when I lost my dad, my emotions were all over the place. Saying that I was sad doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. The pain was so deep that there was no words that could fully describe it. At the time, I didn't understand it but now I do realize that death is a part of life. When you lose someone, grief is a natural reaction to it.

The most important thing that you can do if you are grieving is to lean on God and allow Him to be there for you. I see now that I did not do that and that made my grief worse.

It is common for a person to deny that the loved one is really gone. I know for me, I kept having the same thought, "This really isn't happening!". There were many times that I would just sit or lay down imagining my dad walking into the house though I know it would not happen.

Once I was over the shock of what had happened, I started to feel a lot of anger. I blamed the doctors at the hospital. My only thought was, "You save other people! Why not my dad?!". I blamed myself. I thought, "Maybe if I had done this or that that my dad would still be here". The worse thing that I did was to blame God for taking Him. I was like, "Why God Why?". I even told God to bring my dad back and take me instead if just for my mom's sake. My pain was beyond words but seeing and knowing how hurt she was was also hard for me. I went on like this for years. Not only was I filled with anger but I was also very depressed. I did have a few friends that was there for me. You know who you are. I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to me that you were there for me. Of course, I appreciated those people but at the same time, I also focused on those that weren't there for me. Mom did the same thing. For the most part, I held my feelings in around her as to not upset her. We should've talked more about it but we both were hurting so much that we just didn't.

The thought of losing dad of course is still a sad thought but I don't let it run my entire life anymore. A few months ago and due to some other hard things that I had to go through, I finally just broke down. I went to dad's grave and let out all of my built up feelings and gave it all to God. I asked for Him to forgive me and to come into my life and help me to become a person that my dad would be proud of. I've accepted the fact that God had his reason for taking dad. I am no longer blaming him. Now, I imagine dad in heaven watching down on me and smiling. That alone makes me happy. Getting close to God and even getting back into church has helped me a lot. The same is true of mom. Life is good and it is all thanks to God. He is amazing!!!